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How to reign our sexual energy in a relationship


Let‘s talk about sex! I bet you believe current society is being oversexualized. We all see it.

After all, sex sells and sexualized images are promoted everywhere. But it seems the more outwardly the expression of sex, the less we know how to properly connect on an intimate, sexual level. It’s just too much noise, don’t you think? You hear rules on how to lure a partner, what physical actions you need to take to get them in bed. Next, is the “BIG” one, how you need to look to be sexually attractive to the other gender.

Truth is, most of sex is happening in our minds, much before the actual act. And, I am even talking long before the foreplay. It is happening in our imagination, in our anticipation of pleasure. But when do you savor in anticipation? Usually, when your partner is not around. When you are on your own, you have the space to create images in your mind and to invoke anticipation.
Just remember the last time you or your partner traveled somewhere alone for a few days. Do you remember how this ignited your passion? Yes, for sure! It happens with hardly any exception. This is because a relationship needs to breathe.

There is a poem from Kahlil Gibran, On Marriage, that I first heard at a wedding. If you have been to a few weddings, you must have heard it at least once, it seems to be popular. Parts of the verses go:

“Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.

And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart…”

The sexual desire, the passion is a PULL by its essence, magnetism. If there is no space between the partners, there is nothing to be pulled together. Instead, there is only love, expressed as emotional closeness, but there is no passion. If you have been in a long-term love relationship, you have probably seen this at one point in time. To have both love and passion, there needs to be a constant dance between closeness and distance.

Since we are talking about sex, here is how to create space from a holistic perspective (energy, mind, physical):

Dance from emotional connection to outward sexual expression

The experience of pleasure in love goes though solitude. These are the moments that are like presents to us, when we gather our energy inside of us. Moments when we feel good with ourselves, in our alone-ness. Moments when we feel content with ourselves alone. Only after gathering our energy inside of us, can we emanate it outwards in full power to create attraction.

Non-familiarity – See them in a new light

Someone else can help you see your partner from a new perspective. When you see how other people see them, this shifts your perspective out of the known territory. You discover something new. There is perceived distance until you learn, or digest this new aspect of your partner. For the next round of sex, you will need to shift your perspective again, though.

Physical distance

Creating physical distance for a certain amount of time seems to be the easiest way. It can be a few hours for some couples to a few weeks for others. Physical distance also means creating some emotional distance. Isn’t this counter intuitive? You see, if you are constantly on the phone with your beloved, constantly sharing emotions and experiences, you still don’t give each other enough space.

And finally, sex is an expression of our creative energy. Whenever our creative energy is expressed – through art, play, creating and engaging in something new – it feeds down to sexual attraction. Since I started creatively expressing myself in youtube videos, my partner became more curious and passionate about me. He now digests this unfamiliar to him aspect of me.

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