HOW TO FIND LOVE
The Times We are Triggered to Find Love
Year after year, right before the Christmas holidays people experience anxiety and depression. Shouldn’t the expectation of seeing your family and friends make people happy and heal them instead?
Previously, I mostly related the increase in anxiety to meeting the family of origin, which for lots of people is a very rare occasion that triggers undealt with childhood dynamics. Put on top the expectation to present yourself in the most desired company (with the right partner, the right family status, the right family circumstances, etc etc.) be it at home, or at a Christmas party elsewhere, and we have an aggravated situation!
I see this in the increased requests I get from people to help them/give them tools to find love, heal a trauma, or to get unstuck in general – it’s the time of the year when people re-assess their life situation.
There are, however, lots of other occasions, when people feel socially awkward, because they are single, or when over time all your friends are coupled, and you start feeling lonely. This is usually when people begin wanting to find love.
The Right reason for finding love
Feeling lonely, or uncomfortable being alone is actually amongst the worst motivators for finding love. Not only is this feeling going to make you go for the first person available, but it is also a gap that cannot be filled by someone else. It is a feeling that originates in your own perception about yourself.
Let’s look at the potential mistake you can make by filling the gap with whoever crosses your path first. Of course, I am exaggerating a bit, maybe you still have some ‘standards’ regarding the choice of partner. However, you are tired of being alone, in a hurry, want to fit in again in your ‘couples world’… And honestly, are you looking to find love, or just to be in a relationship?
I find it appalling how the word ‘Love’ is starting to sound heretic nowadays, as if it is a deceased thing from the past. It seems the face a couple puts out there has become weight than the love they feel for one another. Such ‘love’ is doomed to decay.
The other ‘misleading’ reason for you wanting to find love is when you really don’t care about what other people think, or expect from you but you really just don’t want to be alone. You want company…or you feel lonely (two different things). In my life and through my coaching practice, I have met quite a few people, who dislike being alone. Some even hate it. They look for all kinds of distractions and ‘company’ they do not enjoy, just to avoid their own thoughts.
Not to put anyone under the same denominator but most of these people seem to have experienced neglect in their childhoods. And so, their attempts to find love, and driven by this trauma, by the feeling of emptiness.
Three questions to ask yourself
So, before you consider starting a relationship – get clear with yourself.
- What is important to you? What do you value in a love relationship? How do you imagine your daily life together with the person you love? When the first potential partner crosses your path, run these questions as a test. Are they really a good match to you, and not only superficially?
- Why do you want a relationship? Is it the physical contact that you are going after? Are you simply bored by yourself? Or do you need a life partner to achieve common life goals together.
- Can you be at peace on your own, and if not, look for the reason. Heal yourself first – your self-confidence and respect. Discover your sense of purpose and pride. Finding love means finding yourself first. How else would you know, if the other person is a good match?
Consider the following courses to help you gain clarity, clear trauma and find love:
– 3 sessions course on love with Zorina, Chari – Deeper Dating expert and Alfredo Diaz – holistic coach and cards of truth coach.
The Purpose Grail – Flexible Version – combines rational tools from the Purpose Pack of my course Start a Business with Meaning and Manifestation/situation programming from my live course ‘The Healnlearn Method, based on the Silva method‘.